Grease

Bike grease. I can hear the words spoken with alarm and disdain, in my own voice and in the voices of my family. Bike grease! In the past, it has appeared as if by dark magic after seemingly pristine encounters with my bike, manifesting as stains on fingertips after merely being near a bike, on furniture after a thoughtless moment resting a bike against a couch on the way out the door, and on carpet after cleaning globules off a chain (and apparently on to my socks or shoes).

At first, the dogs were blamed, not for the grease but for the splotches on the carpets. Surely, I rationalized, the dogs must have tracked something in from the outdoors. But, upon closer inspection and after frustrating many of the normal cleaning aids, it became clear that another culprit was to blame, and that I and my bike habit were closely associated with it. The spousal unit was not pleased.

The solutions were urgently sought and relatively simple, but required some diligence to implement routinely. First, a pair of slip on shoes (ala crocs) were purchased, and these used exclusively in my bike room. Second, a grease-absorbing mat was placed beneath my bike stand to catch the stuff and keep it from moving around on the floor. Finally, a box of latex gloves was purchased from the local hardware mega-store to keep my hands clean.

The essential nature of grease in bicycling is clear -- it lubricates moving parts and keeps water and dirt in check to some degree. But choosing the right lubricant usually does not involve grease, per se. In fact, most modern lubricants are synthetic blends of super-particles, some for airliners, others for race cars. I think that in this case the substance dubbed "grease" emerges after the lubricants are polluted with grime, dirt, and grit, resulting in sticky black surfaces that, when turned into globules or wiped clean, expel the grease we dread.

Removing grease from a bike can be a challenge. Getting it off the chain usually requires giving the links a bath in some degreaser, and then a careful wipe down. Eliminating grease from the rear derailleur is often an overlooked chore, but essential to a properly functioning drivetrain. Grease tends to gunk up these small sprockets, and a carefully wielded screwdriver tip or mascara brush (cleaned first and then dipped in degreaser) will do the trick. Other components (bottom bracket, wheel rims, and front derailleur) are important to clean now and again, as well, but to me the chain and rear derailleur are the most regular recipients of grease maintenance.

Of course, grease can wander from Point A to Point B (or well beyond) through innocent actions, despite the preceding precautions. The most likely culprit is the careless hand. Even in gloves, an itchy nose, a reflexive grip on the bike seat, or a habitual wiping of hands on garments can result in unpleasant and surprising outcomes. The nose is a particular problem, as you can't see what you've done, but spouses and children take enormous glee in the result. The other problems reinforce to me why bike shorts are black. Fighting with a skipped chain on the side of the road will get your hands greasy, and black cycling shorts can be a great and discrete towel.

Perhaps someday some engineering or materials science genius will invent a lubricant that is inexpensive, incredibly effective, long-lasting, and non-staining, even when beset with road crud. Until that day comes, we have with us always the necessary but problematic companion we call grease. And it will remain a challenge to keep it on your bike!